my legs are aching but i haven't been running at all. i feel full even though i'm still hungry. i feel tired but can't get to sleep. it just goes to show that life really is messed up in more ways than we can count. but then again, why should we complain. without these sudden shake ups, what's the challenge. what's the point in living a life where you seriously are so used to a routine that every day is just everyday.
i sit here infront of my macbook that has been dirtied over the past two years. it has seriously endure more than it can handled and is still going strong. okay digressing over redundant issues. but a hint though to those who are thinking of a birthday present for me. sure it may be a few months time but hey, com'on it's gonna be a sad day for me as turning 20 is probably the last thing i wanna have on my mind. freaking old. i think my mid-life crisis is coming early for me.
anyways, i know what is to be done. i know what i must prioritise and it saddens me partly to say that Red Fox is not on the top of my list. sure we may have cried over it. laughed over it. rejoiced and celebrated with brothers aplenty. but before i divulge into my current stance on my position in the scout unit. let me just ask something. what is it about us that's so different from the others who have graduated either with us or before/after us? was it because we felt we had a sense of belonging. but i'm sure the others felt the same. did we feel like we owe something. but surely, the others would have thought the same thing. is it because we were leaders and we were just so used to the power and authority? or is it due to the fact that many us just feel that we have unfinished business. there are of course many other reasons that have not been said but this could be one of the few. if we are so interested in this passion, mustn't we know why we are really there in the first place and why not others? and we must get this clear that scouts is really so different from a Uniformed Group. it just is. it's really, really different. the guides have already succumbed to being just an ordinary Uniformed Group, drilling and singing songs and playing ball games. should we indulge in the fact that scouts is getting misunderstood. sadly, it may fall or is already falling onto deaf ears. it's not ours, not doubt about that. okay, then comes on the mother of the issue, my priorities. i would say that as a person, scouting will always be on my mind. but of course, as a leader, i'm gonna have to stop myself at some point. there's only so much that i can compromise. i'm not saying that it's a burden. in this world, we have to be careful with what we say, how we say it. those very words we use to defend us, could be the ones coming back and bite us from behind. i'm just saying it that though i would really like to see it live, i just am not sure that i can be behind it most of the time.
that's just me. being real. alright. can't believe i've actually went on and on. it's 945pm. my accounting books is calling out to me. i need to climb all the way up there. and my mac needs to be there with me. which means i'm like practically moving my whole downstairs upstairs. have to bring up my stationery, my calculator, my books, my papers, my macbook, my phone, my macbook power adapter and my water bottle. and the mac's gonna keep me distracted. but have to study. damn it, i just realised i'd forgotten that i have online lectures for my marketing tests and i don't even know anything about it. gawd damn...
and something random, i wanna pick up malay again. after my many failed attempts to start so. so many things, so little time. it'll be stupid to say i wish each day had 48 hours. that would also make that human.
