you know what. it really saddens me but, i guess the answer is no. for two years, i longed to just hear her say hello to me. started talking to her. it was fun. then went out with her. that was great too. but i can't help to wonder. talking to her online nowadays. i just try my best to continue conversation. but it always just ends up with me hitting a wall. and then i try my best again, but it just seems i'm running into the same wall hard, over and over again. it's not her fault, nothing to do with her. i think it's just, maybe not really that, you know, i dunno how to say it. when i was out with her, after all the awkward stuff, it was alright. but it really had been a long time since i've went out with someone and had to go through the awkward phase. i thought maybe it's a good thing. even a few people concurred. yeah, after an hour or two, we finally were more, into something. but it didn't feel like anything. just something normal.

it was great to see her there. her smile. it still makes me weak and stronger every time i think about it. her eyes, how they were so...

maybe all this two years of eagerly awaiting her welcome, i was over-expecting something. i promised myself i wouldn't do this. and i probably never will again. i had to get this out. right down from some deep pit of my heart. and i ain't sad about it either. just really wondering.

i told myself that i should just be frivolous. you know, that's how it's supposed to be. there's plenty of fishes in the sea. catch one for a while then throw it back again and then catch another one. but, maybe, maturity seems to be kicking in, and kicking hard. not many of you will know who the girl i'm talking about is. i wouldn't want to disclose it anyway.

man, and i wanted to be cool.

also kinda feeling down recently. been having really good dreams. and not those that make you start dry humping the bed in the middle of your sleep. i mean those PG-13 ones with scenes of intimacy. yeah, those. but the damn sad thing is that my alarm keeps buzzing off just when i gets interesting. interesting again, not in the sense that dresses are falling off and pink undergarments are flying through the air. i mean like coy-like intimacy shown from the female protagonist of my dreams. and i'm all "hey baby" and then everything is just cut to a scene which says 0630am. snap back to reality. all alone next to a bolster on my right and a reader's digest lying a few inches away from me on my left. as i try to force myself off my bed, i lay face up and wipe the sand from my eyes, and thought about the dream. damn, who be that girl? stuff like that. then try to remember how the dream was and where it stopped. so that when you get home that same day, you follow the same routine before you go to sleep, try to picture the same dream happening in your head and hope it is continued. but it rarely happens.

people always tend to lie to themselves. or as i used to say, omit certain truths. people like advertisers stretch the truth. some people make the truth. whatever it is, always be true to yourself at least. like Sigmund Freud once said "Being entirely honest with oneself is a good exercise." sure jokes are jokes and all. but at the end of the day, speak the damn truth boy.