i told myself i would never talk negatively and immaturely in this blog. not in this blog. the last blog that i had, yeah, it was so smothered with so many awkward posts. it was unbearable to read. unbearable to just even look through. i can't even bring myself to read those posts. it was unnecessarily and pointlessly awkward over-emotional rants. but now i feel like sometimes we've gotta just reflect. and i guess maybe in a way, this will be a blessing in disguise. maybe i won't see it now, nor will anyone. but maybe, when i'm slowly recollecting the memories by going through the posts, i'll somehow stumble unto this and see how far i've gone.
recently i've got the feeling, that i've found something i've really been looking for in a person (girl actually) and this brought me back to thinking about my past. i know i hate going back to the past. cause you'll always find yourself saying ''should've done this, shouldn't have done that". sure, i could beat myself silly over the fact that i've missed two whole years of track training. but beating myself over it and crying over it, won't bring some dude from the future to bring me to the past and allow me to correct my wrongs. the thing is that, the those mistakes, are mistakes, not regrets. many people always tend to instinctively bury their head in their hands when thinking about the past, cause they find they could've done it better. "aiyah, i regret man..."
in the past, she lied. she lied. and she also lied. sure there were happy moments. and those were really great. but i vowed myself to never think about it. was it also partly my fault? was it partly my fault that it failed? some maybe. but guess maybe i was looking for a butterfly in a a swarm of wasps (wait, does that make sense??). but at least i've never learn to brood over such topics. maybe i feel it's a waste. that's the reason why i don't like hearing stories like this. but what are we to do? we're humans after all, and we have that natural instinct to contradict ourselves and are masters of paradoxes. anyway, maybe somewhere it must've registered in my subconscious mind that all women are liars (great ones, actually, but i don't wanna go into that as i don't feel there's a need to start a chauvinistic war). but everyone lies. anyway, maybe i've just gotta reconfirm it all.
i've got a new one. and i love her. but i don't want this to be some fling. nor do i want us to fall a month later. i just don't want that. at least let it grow and grow and grow. but the thing is, that i am someone who likes to push stuff a bit. and i have the incessant habit to be right sometimes. and i may have a sudden anger attack. is she able to take it? but i am, i hope to be a concerned guy and an adoring guy as well. i'm often seen as the guy crudely scoffing and retorting smartly to stupid actions humans do. being a prick at times. but i guess, somewhere deep in me, is really a guy who's really caring (AWWWW!!!).
i know as times go on, i may not have the time that she may need of me, but no matter what, i'm always there. even though, i find it hard to say how i feel, i'll still show it to her. i guess, that says something. i guess this says something. i am human. i have my own faults. please find it in me and then we'll have a creative discussion (a.k.a argument). it sounds stupid i know. but, yeah, that's more harmonious right?
i dunno whether you are reading this right now. i'm never gonna let go of your hand. i'm never gonna go away. i'm never gonna leave you. no matter what, alright honey?
hmmm, this is so unlike me. okay. i need to neutralise all these sappy thoughts.
